So my company is under pressure, owing to the financial shit-blender that is the current economy. This means screws get tightened around the office; specifically it means managers start checking everyone is busy all the time. This doesn’t bode well for me as I am as passionate about cold calling as I am about death.
I know they will start checking the number of calls I make – but I also know that that is pretty much all they will check. Two options lie before me: 1) Start doing my job properly; 2) Start calling some random numbers, irrespective of who answers.
Option one is unappealing. I’d even go as far as to say it’s not an option.
I can feel the inefficiency radar, my boss, picking up a strong signal in my direction. I dive into option two.
Considering I’m a bright guy, the way I initially go about this is remarkably uncool: I just start smashing numbers into the phone. I don’t even get through 5 digits before I hear the repetitive drone of the ‘wrong number’ woman – a woman I know in real life must be at least part robot.
I hang up.
Now the heat is really on, and the manager senses my vulnerability. Bloodhound.
I open up a spreadsheet and call the first number I see.
Dial tone… I check the name etc while it rings. It’s an MD – shit. He answers himself – this is rare. Rarer still, he begins with: ‘Thanks very much for calling back’
‘No problem’ I say, a little baffled.
He hesitates, sensing (I guess) that ‘my’ voice has changed a bit. I stay silent. Then he continues: ‘So when is best for you?’
‘Next week is good.’ Winging it.
‘Tuesday?’
‘Yeah but it’ll have to be the afternoon…’ I do that ‘hmmm’ sound you always do when faux-checking your ‘busy’ calendar. ‘…around two o’clock?’
‘Yeah, okay. For an hour, right?’
‘Right.’ I don’t want to say anything else in case I give away the fact that I’m just a dirty imposter booking a completely virtual meeting to discuss nothing, at a completely arbitrary time, with a guy I know nothing about, at an undisclosed location. Job well done
I escape: ‘Well thank you for your time. I’ll be in touch.’ Click.
Duncan (Manchester)
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